im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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