Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
porn star boner night. come get it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
