Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
