i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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