remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
