Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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