If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
