dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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