Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I met the friendliest cop last night
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
