One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My breasts were aching with rage.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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