At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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