he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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