my phone needs a breathalizer
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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