Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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