every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
