3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
