I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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