Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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