Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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