I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
