nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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