I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
