I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
