SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
