not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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