I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
