Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
