ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you