the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
So much puke
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.