dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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