If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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