just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Your penis caused this!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
