if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
