My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
