There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
