i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
