I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
