so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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