Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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