Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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