If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's great music for shaving your balls
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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