she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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