My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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