Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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