wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
