thus making me awesome and them whores
why do cheetos always look like penises
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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