There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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