Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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