I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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