and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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