Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
