Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
