my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
