When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
