You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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